A Year in Review

Well, tomorrow is NYE. In light of that, I have decided to highlight the biggest events of Angiefest 2013. It's been a hell of a year.

• Position eliminated at work. Moved to shit-can new job, took up space for 2 months. This ended in getting a new job, that most days I absolutely love, and a new team that I love every day. Except one of you. You know who you are. I don't love you. I tried, I'm sorry.
• Was single all year. Basically. It was almost entirely awesome.
• Completed my first calendar year of school. Maintained a 4.0 GPA until yesterday. It dropped significantly. Lesson learned- take less classes.
• Returned to Fest. Best. Choice. Ever.
• First ever season at Trail of Terror. Again, good choice. It had its dramatic moments, but all in all, a good run. Also, the drama was dealt with in a most satisfactory fashion.
• Made TONS of new friends.
• Put an offer on a house. Still haven't heard back. My insidey parts are squishing just thinking about it. A "we accept" would be a perfect way to ring in 2014. Just saying.
• Self esteem at all time high. Strangely, I think my weight is also at an all time high. Seems contradictory, but there you have it. Current weight apparently factors in very little when it comes to how I feel about myself, soooooo- that's probably good.
• The much anticipated Crafty Angie returned. I made: A wreath, several embroideries, refinished a buttload of furniture, and the better part of a Halloween costume.
• I have done a good bit of socializing this year. Which is good, because now I don't have to for a while.
• Went to Florida to see my loving Other Family.
• Stayed alive.

Now, for next year-

Since I don't make resolutions (more like half-assed goals), I will set these goals for myself:

• Be alive all year
• Return to Fest yet again
• BUY A HOUSE (Or just move out of my apartment. Either way.)
• Don't alienate friends

Fin. (Eh heh heh. See how fucking cultured school has made me?!)

Kissing and Christmas

Since the Christmas Spirit has abandoned me this year, I have spent the day crafting, drinking, and reading articles online. I read one that was particularly interesting. I wish I had saved the link, but alas, I did not. Anyway, my failings aside, it was an article on the meaning behind kissing.
It talked about how people may kiss early in relationships to assess each other's potential as a mate. How we may use it as a tool to get close enough to both smell and taste a potential partner in order to assess their health and genetic compatibility.
It also referenced a survey of people who described themselves as being in a committed relationship, and claimed that in long-term relationships, kissing was most often referenced as the indicator of levels of happiness. Happier couples kissed more, although both happy and not-as-happy-but-still-kinda-happy couples had a comparable amount of sex.
This whole thing kind of made me wonder, so I sat and really thought about it for a while.
I have not been in very many long-term relationships, but even in the shorter ones, the ones I remember most fondly were the ones in which I kissed or was kissed by my partner most frequently. And they were also the ones who didn't kiss me like they thought we were making a porno (you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, don't you...).
Anyway, kissing is a HIGHLY underrated activity.
Do it more.
Do it to remind your partner how much they mean to you, or do it to let someone you really like know that you really like them, and that you are a good catch!

And Merry Christmas!   - These things are somehow related...

I got it-

MISTLETOE!

Adventures at Airport Junior

So, I made it through security in record time. Normally, this would be the most wonderful thing ever. Today, not so much. I'm really fucking tired, and the idea of having to be trapped in He'll' s Waiting Room with all of these ridiculous people makes me want to cry a little (ok, a lot). I'm pretty sure there is a banished in here. It might be the blonde lady a few rows over. Pretty sure.
Only one more hour of this.
Also, Air Tran told me when I got here that my connecting flight in Atlanta is full, so I will have to see an attendant there. Yeah, pretty sure I bought my ticket FOREVER ago so I could avoid this exact thing. Dafuq, Air Tran?! Have I mentioned that the Atlanta airport is easily one of the worst places in the know universe? Because it is. If any of you have ever been, you know. It's wretched. And it's in Atlanta. I HATE THAT CITY.
Have I mentioned that I'm tired? So, if I'm slightly more random, that would be why. I'm approaching 24 hours, and somewhere in the neighbourhood of fifty bazillion cups of coffee. I'm either going to have a heart attack or fall asleep. I hope it's sleep. I'm too you g and cute to die...
Did you ever notice that airports seem to draw out the worst people? Ugh. Stupid elitist assholes that think rules apply to everyone but them. I'm a little mad still about the slouching who decided to bypass the entire security queue and just mosey on up to the counter. Fucking jerk. Apparently he thought that because he had a shitty haircut and a cheap suit that he was somehow special. In hindsight, he may have been a copilot or something. Definitely not important enough to be in charge, but maybe a wingman. Eh heh heh. Wingman, get it?
Oh, kill me now. It needs to be several hours from now, and I need to already be in Florida. I'll take lots of pictures in case anyone would like to live vicariously through me. Ya know, like if you want to escape the super shitty Minnesota weather? :)

Desperately Seekin Susan

"Susan" being my search for a home's new codename.

As those of you who bother correspondence with me outside Facebook are likely well aware, I have been looking to buy a home for quite some time. I looked at one last weekend (at least I think it was then. Time flies/squishes together incoherently when you have a depressingly predictable schedule), and am STILL waiting to hear back from the realtor. Bah humbug, fuckin jerk holidays!

I am getting a smidge antsy, as my last decent neighbour abandoned me last weekend. I am now literally surrounded by idiots. There are the frumpy, horrid, grunt-humpy neighbors to the left, the smelly pothead across, the rhinoceri upstairs, and the Kid Rock/News at Five year at the corner. And an empty apartment which I assume will soon be inhabited by Juggalos. Which will make for 1939's second set. Of Juggalos, I mean. Isn't that awful?! 

Maybe they'll just cut the fucking around and just allow the rest of the circus into Girl Neighbor' s vacated domicile. That would only make sense at this point...

Anyway, back to The House. The House is very near to my current location, and has a BACKYARD. So I could have a dog. Not a hamster, like, a REAL DOG. I need that house. And I need it before my lease is up in January, so I don't have to get my already ludicrous rent jacked up another $25. 

REALTOR: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. GET BACK TO ME NOW!!!!!!!

P.S. I have just gone to the trouble of putting on pants to check the mail as I'm expecting a package, only to discover that usps has apparently taken a Snow Day. Really?! I suspect this has something to do with why you are falling out of favor... Ya know who didn't get a fucking Snow Day?! Everyone else!

Did I do That?

So, I was reading something the other day, somewhere..... On the internet.... Possibly in a magazine.... Look, I have long days, I can't be expected to remember minutia. Annnnnyway, it was something about how 91% of people admit to texting things they would never say to someone's face. It made me kind of hyper-vigilant. Now, every time I am about to send off a text, I have to read it and ask myself, "would I say that to them if they were in front of me?"

So, many text messages later, I am yet to come across a firm "no." And I will text some weird shit to some people. And I promise, I am being honest with myself when I ask that question. I think it helps that I REFUSE to have important or unhappy conversations via text message, and usually not over the phone at all. I require face time for truly impactful news whenever possible. I think it also helps that very little makes me uncomfortable, and I can't think of a single topic that should not be mentioned. All things are worth talking about!

ALL. OF. THE. THINGS.

So, basically, I thought that was interesting that 91% of people polled said that. I think that means that people are probably having emotion-y-type conversations via text, which I personally find weird. Learn to say shit out loud, 91%. Seriously.

This vaguely reminds me of my (semi- sort of) frequent tirades about dudes hitting on me via Facebook. It's freakin' weird. And an automatic no-go. I mean, if you use it to, like, get my number, and/or ask me out for a drink or something, cool (provided I actually know you- I'm not going to lie, actually LOOKING at friend requests feels like work, and I like the added bonus of being able to delete people once I realize that I have either never met them, or maybe I have and I don't remember because, presumably, they sucked and were not memorable). But if it turns into a creepy compliment-track, or whatever, where you get caught in a nice-things-I-like/want to have sex with-about-you-loop just.... Stop. Please. Cuz, now I think you're a binoculars in the bushes type, and nothing good will ever come of this.

As per usual, that got into topic-peripherals quickly... Hooray for free association!

The Great Hormonal Conspiracy or, It's a Trap

So, as many of you know, I have not been a passenger on the Dating Train in quite some time. This has led to me becoming (hypothetically) a 14 year old boy. Now, lemme tell ya- the life of gym socks and clandestine internet porn ain't all it's cracked up to be. It's a lonely existence. And it leads to poor decision-making. And hairy palms. Eventually blindness.

Eh heh, I'm kidding.

But seriously. After several years-yes, I said years- like dos or greater, I don't even know any more, it gets confusing. Like, I don't know how to interact with the opposite sex in any way other than the Festual Harassment sort of way. I don't know how to deal with attractive gentlemen without being a boorish turbo-perv. Thanks Fest, for helping me bone up on my social skills! Yeah, bone. I said it. See, I can't stop! Gah!!!!

As much as I enjoy being the young(ish) proverbial Dirty Old Man, I feel like this may be detrimental to my future prospects. Who wants to settle down and domesticated Herbert? Who, I ask youuuuu?! Wait, that make  me sound like I roll around in a windowless van full of starburst and puppies. I don't. I drive a Saturn. I drive a Saturn full of broken social niceties and ladylike behavior.

That's all. Just wanted to inform you all if my social retardation. In case yous was wondering. Don't worry, I knowwwww.

Why I Suspect I Might be a Superhero and Other Stuff About Me

Why I suspect I might be a superhero:

• I like to help people
• I have a weakness- mechanically separated chicken. It makes me physically ill, squiggly, and useless.
• I'm ultra-powerful
• I'm nice to look at (superhero chicks pretty much have to be good looking)
• And, perhaps most compellingly-

I HAVE A FUCKING CAPE!

 

 

Now- other stuff about me.

 

As some of you may know, it is common knowledge that I have healthy self-esteem. Now, I will admit, this is not a 24/7 thing. I have my moments of feeling absolutely shitty about myself, but for the most part, I feel pretty damned good about being me. I think I'm generally awesome. I get asked about it all the time. People seem to always want to know how it is that I feel so great about myself. Don't worry, I'll feed you, baby birds!

 

Do I think I'm perfect? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not even close. But I'm good with that. Have you ever met someone who tries to be perfect? They are SO. FUCKING. ANNOYING. They're awful. They're  boring!

 

I have a lot of flaws. And I'm okay with that. They keep me interesting. And working on them gives me a sense of purpose. Eventually I get rid of them, and they are replaced with new flaws. My work is never done. I think that embracing your flaws is a beautiful thing! I don't let them consume me, because I know that I am working on them.

 

I know my strengths, and my capabilities. I'm not afraid to fail, because I know that I will learn from my failures. And I know that next time, I will do better. Sometimes I fuck up repeatedly, but again- for every time I fuck up, I know that I'm a little bit closer to not fucking up next time.

 

Am I the best looking chick that ever lived? Nope. But I'm not bad. I'm pretty, and I have curves, and I work it dammit. I work it!

 

I have no coordination, but I have a sense of humor about it. That counts for something. As many of you know, one of my most used phrases is "shit, there's a wall/desk/table/whatever there..."

 

I guess the central theme here is that I know I am far from perfect, and I am happy with it. I strive for self-improvement, and I have no desire to be anything other than what I am.

I don't have total peace, but most of the time, I'm pretty freakin' happy with myself and my life.

 



My Clutch Leg, It Feels Like Burning!

 

Don't worry, my camera doesn't suck. I'm actually quite grainy IRL.

I Refuse to Title This Post- and in Doing so, Have Titled the Damned Post

I have been in a really weird, melancholy sort of place the last few days. Not physically- physically I have been all the normal places, excepting school (which I am temporarily boycotting), but mentally. Emotionally. Something. I dunno, in some intangible way. I've just been feeling really off. In my emo-lite state, I have been doing a lot of thinking- DANGER!

Don't worry, I won't go into all the boring, ridiculous stuff I have been emo-ing about, I just thought it should bear mentioning that I am feeling a little left-of center. Which is somehow different than any other day. :)

So in the interest of the illustrious turkey-deep-throating holiday tomorrow, I have decided to make a list. I'm fairly good at making lists. I will not be naming what I'm thankful for, per se, because that just feels kinda vomity to me, but I will list things that make me happy!

1. My niece. She's funny. And smart. Slightly evil. Adorable.
2. Baby animals- most of them.
3. Really disturbingly ugly animals
4. Dogs and cats that think they're people
5. Kids that think they're people
6. Observance of social niceties- please, thank you, holding doors, etc. - I call this out because it is troublingly rare
7.  Loud, live, rowdy music (but it has to be good)
8. Reading a book that's good enough that I forget it's a book
9. The first time you meet a person that you have an immediate, intense attraction to (but all the stuff that comes after, not so much)
10. Being complimented- which also makes me intensely uncomfortable. But it's still really nice!
11. Getting to wake up without the help of an alarm
12. Creative taxidermy/Frankendermy
13. Seeing other people be happy
14. Singing along to showtunes- Honey Badger doesn't give a shit!
15. Having friends that appreciate you. All of you. Not just the "normal" things.
16. My family. Yes, sometimes they make me want to jump out of an airplane, conveniently forgetting to take a parachute, but they're also pretty awesome.
17. Good food. Yeah, I'm a cow. I don't care. Food is awesome!
18. Finding that one, spectacular pair of shoes that makes me feel like the sexiest bitch in the world. They're out there!

Ok, this is starting to feel like work. I guess I should find more things to make me happy!

The Pants Command Me

So, last night was the Megadeth show. They were amazing, as I expected. Non-Point was terrible, which is also as I expected, and Fear Factory was also pretty terrible, which I only sort of expected- I'm not a huge fan, I don't hate them either, but they were really crappy last night. Really, really crappy.

I was sort of off my game last night though. Slightly less sociable than usual. And I feel like hell today. And no, I'm not hungover. I feel like I may be getting sick, which I find terribly depressing. But, I digress from the topic I intended to start...

So, in reference to the Great November Pants Boycott, I have discovered that pants are not actually the issue. It is clothing in general. I do not like getting dressed. Ever. I think it is society's way of keeping us docile. No Pants=No Revolution (or something like that). NO PANTS REVOLUTION! I re-discover this about myself every time I have to go from naked to not-naked. I become a small, whiny child being told to put their pajamas on for bed. There is very little I wouldn't do to avoid it. I basically kick, scream, hide behind furniture, and accuse the world in general of being a big meanie.

I have an appointment for school this morning, followed immediately by an appointment to go look at a house. So, instead of getting dressed, I'm writing this while having an internal debate with myself- will it hurt my chances with the realtor if I go to this Dude-style? As in, bath robe and bedroom slippers? It sounds mighty tempting.

                                        Apparently the internet makes iron on transfers now?

P.S. For those of you who interacted on the last post, thank you. I appreciate the dedication to sharing that it required since apparently the blog was not accepting comments for some unknown reason. I appreciate your input, and it was interesting to learn so much about you! :3

P.P.S. http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/todd-the-book-of-pure-evil-the-end-of-the-end

That makes me really happy. Like, really, really happy.

Beauty is Something, Something

In the words of Sophia Loren, "Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful."

I couldn't agree more. So, let's talk about what beauty means to us. I think we, the media's meat puppets, tend to forget that beauty is, and I daresay should be, subjective. What do I think is beautiful? Being different. Deviation from the norm is a wonderful, and extremely attractive attribute. I don't care if it's because of the way you look, the way you talk, the fact that you have a deep-rooted obsession with Beauchene  skulls (that would be extremely sexy, in fact), or that you have an atypical way of thinking. These are all beautiful things. I realize that pretty much everything is the norm in a specific circle, but I guess I'm thinking along the lines of deviating from generally accepted norms. Fringe Folks are hot!

If we move away from people, and into art- beauty to me is the typical with a smattering of crazy, disturbing, and/or absurd. Nothing is more beautiful to me than the combination of elements or feeling that a good, fucked up piece of art can hold or elicit. Think Van Gogh 's Smoking Skull, Theodore Gericault's Anatomical Pieces works, basically anything Pieter Bruegel ever created, Heironymous Bosch, Francis Bacon, etc. There is so much beauty to be found in the grotesque! I feel like this goes toward explaining my obsession with oddities, anomalies, and general monstrosities. I have similar feelings regarding other forms of art, not just paintings. Music, writing, all that jazz.

I think that when we think of beauty, we tend to place far too much emphasis on societal conceptions of it rather than giving into our own instincts and desires. I say go with it. Embrace your weird, fly your freak flag high, and be proud of what makes you different!

I don't think I fit my society's version of beautiful, but am I beautiful? Really? Fuck yeah, I am! I don't care if I'm not supposed to be short, or have wide hips, or thick thighs, tattoos or body piercings, or whether or not you like the way I dress, or whatever. I don't care if my opinions aren't always popular, or if there are things I'm not supposed to talk about. It doesn't matter that my tastes and various proclivities may not be widely accepted because I am fucking fabulous, and I damn well know it! I am smart, I am generous, and I am rather interesting all around, if I may say so.

I think this is a really interesting topic,so I'd like to know- what makes you beautiful? What does beauty mean to you?

**EDIT**
I will also cop to being goofy, occasionally lazy, totally lacking a brain-mouth filter system, random, and charmingly quirky. But that's all okay, cuz I'm a god damn classy lady!

Travel Tips and Unicorns

Today I was finally able to briefly live out something magical. Open forum in Spanish class! I have decided that there are a few key phrases that every respectable traveler should know. I ask them in each language class I take. I have compiled my years of research for you here.

I need alcohol, please. 

Spanish: Necesito alcohol, por favor.
French: J'ai besoin d'alcool, s'il vous plait.
German: Ich brauche Alkohol, bitte.

Help! Please don't kill me. I love you!

Spanish: Auxilio! Por favor no me mates. Yo te amo!
French: Au secours! S'il vous plaît ne me tuez pas. Je t'aime!
German: Hilfe! Bitte töte mich nicht. Ich liebe dich!

I am a human weapon.

Spanish: Soy un arma humana.
French: Je suis une arme humaine.
German: Ich bin ein Mensch Waffe.

You'll thank me later. :)

In other news, Day One of the Official Pants-Off Protest was a rousing success. Mostly. I did not wear pants. I wore a skirt. I feel like that still counts. I took that off the second I walked in the door though, so even if you're a purist, I should still get an A for Effort. It's pretty cold outside. But I am committed to a Pants Free Lifestyle now. And ya know what? It feels pretty good.

Also, today was ragey. It felt more like Monday than Monday did. I'm glad it is basically over. I'm off to get to drinkin' in the tub. That's what classy bitches do!

Will Building a Basement Dungeon Raise or Lower Your Home's Resale Value?

This seems to be the one question Google cannot provide me an answer to.

Ask "How do I raptor-proof my home," they've got that.... But basement dungeon? No dice. Enquiring minds want to know! I mean, I have neither a home nor a dungeon, let alone a basement dungeon, but what if, at some point this is knowledge that could aid me or someone else?! I need to know, dammit!

I imagine it would raise the resale value... Technically it's a finished basement, innit?

Okay, wildly speculating on my random question of the day.

On to better (or maybe just different) things!

Nope, actually that's all I've got today.

Shuddupayoface. It's a legitimate blog post.....

Worst. Movie Quote. Ever.

I hope you read that in Comic Book Guy's voice.

So, I hate the movie Love Story for a variety of reasons. I find it almost wholly nauseating/rage-inducing. I want to Hulk Smash the ever-loving shit out of it. However,  to make my ire easier to write about (since I'm posting from my cell phone for some reason), I have narrowed it down to one line from the movie that is the linchpin of my hatred.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Umm, fuck you Erich Segal (the twat what wrote this trash). Just fuck you.

I'm pretty sure that is not what love means. I think love means being able to say you're sorry. And knowing when to say it. I think it means knowing someone,  and caring for them enough that you are able to recognize when you've hurt them, and having the courage to apologize and actually mean it. Love most definitely does not mean that you a) never do anything to someone that would necessitate an apology. That's retarded and impossible,  or b) can do shitty things and not apologize because, hey, you're in love. They already know you didn't mean it...

WHAT THE SHIT?!

Seriously,  why would that even be a thing? And why do/did people just eat that trash up? It's not romantic, it's insane! It's like Romeo and Juliet, except, ya know, poorly written. At least Romeo and Juliet, aside from its disturbing plot line (but who knows, all that stuff may have been par for the course in those times), was executed beautifully.  Love Story was not. Subpar writing,  misleading and idiotic content. Again, thank you Erich Segal. Stupid jerk.

So now you know. I hate that movie. Perhaps this explains my Queen of Hyperbole title. Oh well, at least I come by it honestly.

Because Knowing is Half the Battle

Because GI Joe

 

Today I finally got the skinny on the Bucket List. Isn't that weird? All this time and I didn't really know what it was. I just thought it was one of those things people said because they thought it made them sound cool. Like "dope," "fly" (wait, do people still say that? I guess I don't really know...), or whatever the hell else people say. So, now that I know for certain what it is, I'm kind of intrigued. I don't really have time tonight to make this particularly encompassing, but I do have a few things that I simply MUST DO before I die.

They are as follows, in no particular order:

• Publish a comic. Also acceptable, web comic.
• Punch all the famous/"famous" people I truly despise- this is not an all encompassing list, but to name a few- Meg Ryan, Halle Berry, Michael Cera, Ben Affleck, Fred Durst, that douche from Creed, the douche from Nickelback, ICP (and all the juggalos), the Chocolate Rain guy, Jared from Subway, Papa John, and all the people in the cake pop infomercial- especially that bitch who can't seem to keep her cake on the plate. Again, not all inclusive, but it's a start. There are soooo many people I want to hit!
• Get gay married. Even if it's a sham marriage, I like the idea of rubbing it in people's faces. I was talking to a gay-marrying friend today, and it just sounded like something I could have A LOT of fun with.
• Ride one of those *I think they're Irish Wolfhounds* that are always out at Fest like a god damned pony! They're huge, and gorgeous and just my size! I just want to slap a saddle on one of them and go rob a train or something....
• Glitter Bomb a Fairy. Except instead of glitter, maybe use anthrax or powdered glass or something.
• Go on a solo, extended vacation to the United Kingdom.
• Base jump
• Live in a cabin in the woods (no cell phones allowed). Maybe write a Great American Novel. And don't lose my shit Shining-style.
• Get a genital piercing. Cuz, why the hell not?

An Hour of Wolves and Shattered Shields

Because it feels like a LOTR kind of day.

Happy Veterans Day! It's the day when we put to words something that should be in the back of our minds and in our hearts every day. Those of you who know me well know how much I appreciate our military. You likely also know that I come from a military family, so you perhaps understand where I learned to appreciate them like I do. That's right, I'm a Navy brat. There, now you all know. My daddy is a retired SEAL/UDT. I grew up with a sense of respect for soldiers. So thank you for your service ladies and gentlemen! I can't stress enough how much I respect your commitment to preserving our freedom. -And yeah, I'm totally that person in public places who makes shit awkward for my companions by stopping anyone in uniform and thanking them for their service. Suck it, I don't care. I appreciate them.

So, now that I've said what I have to say about that... Let's move on.

I had lunch with Sarah and Tubesock today. That was good fun. Tubesock go his tubesocks, which made it even more fun. And Sarah let me vent my rage/whining at her again. Oh, and I got a lovely new coat from Wilson's. $300 on sale for $89. And, boom goes the dynamite! Sarah says people are going to want to pet me, so I figure this could rather quickly solve my dating problem.

On that note, Sarah made me admit to a random, totally un-vetted for potential douchbaggery crush.  Now that I've admitted to it, and even gone so far as to name them (she's been sworn to secrecy and I trust her implicitly- so don't waste your time), AND thought about the fact that I really don't know this person, and therefore he is probably a) married with 9 million kids, or b) really sucks, I'm not sure what to do. Saying it out loud made it a real thing. I was far more comfortable with it when I could just not acknowledge it. I'm pretty good at avoiding stuff. Frick. I'm also solely basing this crush on very limited conversation and a fantastic face- because that always ends well for me.

I also find it amusing/disturbing that when she brought up the possibility that the last guy I was seeing (the one my hormones insisted that certain parts of our anatomy become friends- which I was thankfully able to avoid) may have rejected me, that I dismissed it out of hand. I feel that this is not even a possibility since I am so mother-fucking amazing. I have decided that he is just an idiot who thinks that I have significantly more patience for BS than I, in fact, happen to possess. Not sure what that says about me as a person, but it is what it is.

To end this, I think I should give my hormones a vacation. Hell, I'll even make it paid. They just need to piss off for a while so I can have some peace!

These Are For You. I Thought You'd Like Them Cuz They're Dead. And Gothy.

Sorry, I'm watching Todd and the Book of Pure Evil and I thought that was a great line. I'm doing this instead of having the "date" I was supposed to have 2 1/2 hours ago. Who neither appeared nor called to beg off. Meaning he better have been squished by a train. Or Hulk Smashed. Stomped by Godzilla. I will accept any of these things. Clearly I have amazing taste in men. Buuuut, at least it reminded me for something like the 5th time this calendar year why I keep telling myself that I have stopped dealing with dudes altogether, so- thanks guy (I'll totally remember it this time, probably)!

Naw, I'm still cautiously optimistic. Someday it will work. Preferably with a superhero, although I wouldn't say no to a good, solid anti-hero. Or, ya know, just a dude that doesn't suck. :|

So, on a higher note.... I don't know, I don't really have anything of value. I just feel like a little public venting.

Today I saw the new Thor. I don't care what anyone says, I thought it was just fine. There was the perfect ratio of action to Chris Hemsworth in vaguely Nordic costuming. And by vaguely I mean he had Mjolnir. Pretty sure that's the only authenticity there... That was Nordic. It totally counts. But no, spoiler free description, I enjoyed it. And the trailers before the movie made my inner nerd do an awful lot of squee-ing. New Captain America, check. New X-men, check. And yes, I will see it. Because, Bishop. New Hobbit, that was there too. I will still have to see the first one, but then I will definitely be seeing the second. And Robocop. Yes, Robocop. Yet another thing to cause me to feel cautiously optimistic. I sense a theme here. Alex J. Murphy. Namesake of my long-dead goldfish. I kind of can't wait. The original was pretty crappy, so maybe they have nowhere to go but up?

Ok, this show is distractingly hilarious. Later, bitches!

Don't Feed the Llamas

 

The Drama Llama. We all know one (or, like, a hundred).

                                                                   Look familiar?

He is Legion. A master of disguise, he is always lurking dramatically in the shadows, aching to tell you stories about all of the idiotic crap he's "struggling" with. It's infuriating.

                                                          

I was originally tempted to pull some DL style bitchery out, since I've been foisted, yet again, into some stupid, stupid crap, but that's not really how I roll, so I will internalize my issues and get on with my day.

So, on to a new topic!

Here's a list of the completely random things that terrify me:

Dolphins- I think they're disgusting, and smart enough to be a threat to humanity. It's true, I've seen that Treehouse of Horrors. They are definitely not to be trusted.

Cows- As previously alluded to, I think they are secretly plotting humanity's downfall. I do, however, like them when they are on their way into my belly. Delicious jerks...

Fairies- I'm afraid of them for loads of reasons, really. They are a bunch of mean, vengeful Herpes Marys (like Typhoid Mary. Get it? I'm so clever). Google it. Or don't. I am not sure that the internet is aware of this side of them.

Fog- Who knows what's in there??? Might be fairies...

People generally, dating specifically- Yeah, it freakin' terrifies me. Primarily because A) I suck at it and B) I have basically zero understanding of people. They're weird. However, ticking uterine time bomb dictates that at some point I will have to suck it up and do it.

My Insidey Parts- See cows and dolphins. I feel like it's just biding it's time. Strangely, I have no real fear of death. I mostly fear that my body will eventually decide to do something really douchey but non-fatal. Like, I don't know, spontaneous combustion of a limb, or maybe a MJ-style nose slide.

                                      Wait, did that ever happen, or was it, like, an urban legend?

Box Elder Bugs- I didn't used to be afraid of them, but after the Bif Beetle debacle, I find myself very skittish around them all of a sudden.

Clowns in the Rain- Not regular clowns, they're stupid, but not terrifying. Now, picture a clown in a downpour. With paint running down their faces and getting all smooshy. Meep!

Hamsters- Yes, I have Hamsterphobia. They are gross and ugly and mean and I want them all dead. Every god damned last one of them. I was viciously savaged by one as a child, and the fear stuck.

Small Dogs- Okay, they don't terrify me, but they do offend me greatly. I think because of their hamster-like qualities. If it's under 12 pounds, it's not a dog. It's a fucking hamster. Get over yourself.
And I feel that I should add that I loooooove dogs. But only real ones.

Well, that was extremely random and unproductive.

Insomnia is Like Anorexia- For Your Brain. Mmmm.... Brains....

I am now on day two of an hour or less of sleep. I can actually feel myself getting crazier. I keep finding myself wonder-sessing over the most ridiculous crap. Stuff like, "What ever happened to my old shower curtain? I hope I burned it. I hated that shower curtain," and "If Sugar-Free Haribo Gummy Bears cause explosive diarrhea, why do people keep buying them?"

If you've not seen some of the product reviews on Amazon, I highly recommend it: http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC/ref=sr_1_1?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1383781991&sr=1-1&keywords=sugar+free+gummy+bears

The point of the matter is that not sleeping is stupid. I miss it. I blame the stuffed cow. I don't think he quite grasps the mechanics of the Winter Cuddles. In fact, he is a terrible cuddle-buddy all around. I assume it has to do with his bovine nature. Cows are untrustworthy- everyone knows that.

Scientific Proof:

I can actually feel the plotting.

Let us end on a high note. I am kind of psyched about Slayer this Friday. I'm not sure why, since it is more expensive than I had expected, and it won't be the first time I've seen them. I think it's because it involves going out in public. Where the people are. And I'm totally humming Part of Your World from the Little Mermaid. I'm sorry (not sorry).... But yeah, the prospect of being out in the wilds of humanity with only a Hanns to protect me from certain death/dismemberment/Zombiepocalypse, is kind of exciting. I don't get out enough. 

Publisher's Note: I never wanted that shower curtain, but I moved into my apartment with the cheap-skatingest Mama's Boy that ever existed (I mean that in the nicest possible way, I just can't help poking at his personality traits with pointies once in a while because some of them were so absolutely alien and spooky). She (his Mama, I mean) apparently thought that the best quality 14 cent shower curtains in existence could be had at Wal-Mart (I have no idea how much it actually cost, but I guarantee it was too much). So he came home with this ugly-ass blackish see through-y waffle-curtain thing. Literally the most wretched piece of plastic ever crapped out by Dupont (or whoever makes plastic. I don't keep track of such things). Anyhoo, he finally left 2 years or so ago. But, since my laziness can occasionally outweigh even my mighty rage, I didn't replace the Curtain of Relationships Past until a few weeks ago. Sort of like how I have yet to find the energy to replace him. Ah laziness, the Great Motivator.



Whatever Will Be, Will Be...

But it won't be on Facebook anymore. After much thought, I have decided to be nice to my friends (and even my "friends"), and take my ranting elsewhere. I have been papering the Facebooks with random detritus for far too long. Now you have a choice as to whether or not you will deal with my occasionally annoying rants and what have you.

The moral of this story?

I am a good friend. If I shove my thoughts down your throat, it will be because you initiated. Or, you know, you were totally asking for it, dressed like that...

Well, that devolved quickly.

That's all for now!