Monday, December 2, 2013

The Great Hormonal Conspiracy or, It's a Trap

So, as many of you know, I have not been a passenger on the Dating Train in quite some time. This has led to me becoming (hypothetically) a 14 year old boy. Now, lemme tell ya- the life of gym socks and clandestine internet porn ain't all it's cracked up to be. It's a lonely existence. And it leads to poor decision-making. And hairy palms. Eventually blindness.

Eh heh, I'm kidding.

But seriously. After several years-yes, I said years- like dos or greater, I don't even know any more, it gets confusing. Like, I don't know how to interact with the opposite sex in any way other than the Festual Harassment sort of way. I don't know how to deal with attractive gentlemen without being a boorish turbo-perv. Thanks Fest, for helping me bone up on my social skills! Yeah, bone. I said it. See, I can't stop! Gah!!!!

As much as I enjoy being the young(ish) proverbial Dirty Old Man, I feel like this may be detrimental to my future prospects. Who wants to settle down and domesticated Herbert? Who, I ask youuuuu?! Wait, that make  me sound like I roll around in a windowless van full of starburst and puppies. I don't. I drive a Saturn. I drive a Saturn full of broken social niceties and ladylike behavior.

That's all. Just wanted to inform you all if my social retardation. In case yous was wondering. Don't worry, I knowwwww.

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