Saturday, November 9, 2013

Don't Feed the Llamas


The Drama Llama. We all know one (or, like, a hundred).

                                                                   Look familiar?

He is Legion. A master of disguise, he is always lurking dramatically in the shadows, aching to tell you stories about all of the idiotic crap he's "struggling" with. It's infuriating.


I was originally tempted to pull some DL style bitchery out, since I've been foisted, yet again, into some stupid, stupid crap, but that's not really how I roll, so I will internalize my issues and get on with my day.

So, on to a new topic!

Here's a list of the completely random things that terrify me:

Dolphins- I think they're disgusting, and smart enough to be a threat to humanity. It's true, I've seen that Treehouse of Horrors. They are definitely not to be trusted.

Cows- As previously alluded to, I think they are secretly plotting humanity's downfall. I do, however, like them when they are on their way into my belly. Delicious jerks...

Fairies- I'm afraid of them for loads of reasons, really. They are a bunch of mean, vengeful Herpes Marys (like Typhoid Mary. Get it? I'm so clever). Google it. Or don't. I am not sure that the internet is aware of this side of them.

Fog- Who knows what's in there??? Might be fairies...

People generally, dating specifically- Yeah, it freakin' terrifies me. Primarily because A) I suck at it and B) I have basically zero understanding of people. They're weird. However, ticking uterine time bomb dictates that at some point I will have to suck it up and do it.

My Insidey Parts- See cows and dolphins. I feel like it's just biding it's time. Strangely, I have no real fear of death. I mostly fear that my body will eventually decide to do something really douchey but non-fatal. Like, I don't know, spontaneous combustion of a limb, or maybe a MJ-style nose slide.

                                      Wait, did that ever happen, or was it, like, an urban legend?

Box Elder Bugs- I didn't used to be afraid of them, but after the Bif Beetle debacle, I find myself very skittish around them all of a sudden.

Clowns in the Rain- Not regular clowns, they're stupid, but not terrifying. Now, picture a clown in a downpour. With paint running down their faces and getting all smooshy. Meep!

Hamsters- Yes, I have Hamsterphobia. They are gross and ugly and mean and I want them all dead. Every god damned last one of them. I was viciously savaged by one as a child, and the fear stuck.

Small Dogs- Okay, they don't terrify me, but they do offend me greatly. I think because of their hamster-like qualities. If it's under 12 pounds, it's not a dog. It's a fucking hamster. Get over yourself.
And I feel that I should add that I loooooove dogs. But only real ones.

Well, that was extremely random and unproductive.


  1. I'm amused that at least four items in this post are prevalent at Fest and Trail (DL, small dogs, fairies, clowns-in-rain, your insidey parts...). After the past year my tolerance for drama llamas is nil: they came out of the goddamned woodwork. I'd much rather deal with the evil-type-goblin-fairies or (gulp) clowns, which DO terrify me.

    1. Ha! I LOL'd pretty hard reading about the Fest/Trail-relative part. I love that my insidey parts are relative to them. :)

      And yeah, the Llamas sure did come out of the woodwork... Dave and I actually had a mildly entertaining llama-related "moment" during Fest! Turns out I am either highly intuitive or maybe just a master of deducting the obvious...

  2. I remember said hamster attack. It was pretty epic.

    1. NO IT WASN'T!!! They're stupid and I hate them!